I'm Back!

Back in the states and happy to be so!

My last post was 1) an indirect result of my search for the purpose of life and 2) I wanted my girls to know how I felt about them in case something happened to me on our trip abroad.

On our first day, Robert and I traveled to England on two different planes; his plane got hit by lightening and our hotel caught on fire and we were evacuated. So I actually had good reason to feel a little anxiety about leaving my girls so many miles away!

A week before we left, I actually woke Robert up in the middle of the night to tell him that I would NOT be doing this again: leaving the girls for so long and going so far away. We can do long weekends, but not this. Family vacations from here on out- well, until they start to protest!

We had a wonderful trip and packed in a lot of historical sights in a short amount of time. I will post some of my pics later. For now, I'm interested in knowing if there are any other people who as infatuated with WICKED as I am! Love it!

I love the Wizard of Oz...see Halloween post...and had read the book Wicked a couple of years ago, but the musical is fantastic! WOW! It explains why there was a Tin Man, Scarecrow, and Lion, among other things. The songs make the musical much more light-hearted than the book. Anyhow, I hope you all get a chance to see it (if you're in to that kind of thing!) It's great!

On Having Children

From Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

“Whenever people ask me about having children or not having children, I never tell them what to do,” Morrie said now, looking at a photo of his oldest son. “I simply say, ‘There is no experience like having children.’ That’s all. There is no substitute for it…If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children.”

So you would do it again? I asked.

I glanced at the photo, Rob was kissing Morrie on the forehead, and Morrie was laughing with his eyes closed.

“Would I do it again?” he said to me, looking surprised. “Mitch, I would not have missed that experience for anything. Even though….”

He swallowed hard and put the picture in his lap.

“Even though there is a painful price to pay,” he said. “Because you’ll be leaving them.”

“Because I’ll be leaving them soon.”

He pulled his lips together, closed his eyes, and I watched the first teardrop fall down the side of his cheek.

The child debate….why people choose to have children. I remember a girlfriend in high school who believed having children was selfish. To her, people had children because they wanted someone they could control, someone that would love them back, someone who would take care of them when they got older. When I mentioned this to a colleague she told me that having children is the most unselfish act you could do. It required you to take total responsibility to nurture, develop, guide, and love. Now that I have children, you want to know what I think about all that? I think it depends on what kind of parent you want to become.

People have different ideals or levels of parenthood. Of course, ideals don’t always match reality, but there is always something that we strive for…a higher level of parenting that we try to attain. On those rare moments when we reach our goal or see fruitation of our success in our children’s behavior then we sit back and give ourselves a pat on the back and say to ourselves, “I am a good mom!” or “I am a good dad!”

So even though I had wanted and waited to have children, when it came time to make the final decision to conceive, I had anxiety. I knew in the end I would conquer that anxiety, but I felt that I must question myself, question my motives, and so I asked myself the question that my two-year old asks me fifty times a day: WHY? Why do I want to become a mom? Why do I want to have children?

I’m not sure I ever truly answered that question besides the fact that we were simply ready to have a family. You can ask yourself “Why?” til the end of time! What I do know is that made a conscious choice, a decision, to have children. Once I made that choice, I was fully committed. It wasn't easy. It took longer than I thought it would take, yet our wait could be measured in months, others measure in years. I truly believe God knows our limitations and only gives us what we can handle. The day we found out we were going to be parents came as complete surprise because we had taken some time off from trying to conceive due to the enormous amount of stress and frustration of the previous failures.

This doesn’t mean I condone people who choose not to have children. There are statistics that weigh in the happiness of people who have children and those who do not. There are facts and figures for the amount of money an average American will spend to have and raise children over the course of that child’s life from birth to college and beyond.

As a teacher who has seen plenty of children who’ve been neglected and abused of people who weren’t ready to fully commit to being parents. I’m not going to play God and say that shouldn’t have children, but innocent children deserve to grow up in a loving home.

“You didn’t get it. Sacrifice is apart of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret.. It’s something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. Pg. 93

Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else.” From 5 people you meet in heaven Pg. 94

But you see, if you choose to have children (by birth, adoption, surrogacy, etc.), it’s not really a sacrifice. And those oopsy babies…those parents still have 9 months to make that commitment so I’m not saying that the only good parents are the ones who plan to be parents. It’s when you make that choice in your heart.
People don’t have to have kids to have a fulfilling, meaningful, productive life. Personally, I can say I truly don’t understand this because it’s just not me, but I can say that I completely accept it. Some people like strawberry pie and some people don't. You're not a bad person because you don't like strawberry pie! But people who love strawberry pie can't help but feel that those people who choose not to eat it, are missing out on something!

From For One More Day by Mitch Albom:

On pages 72 & 73…

Paraphrased: She tells her son how she prayed for a child. “So,” she said, moving away, “now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of themselves as a burden instead of a wish granted.”

My children are each a “wish granted.” I just want them to know that.

To all my friends and family who are dealing with this issue on a daily basis whether it be infertility, adoption, the choice of having children, the choice of not having children, the unexpected surprises, etc., I hope you know you have my continued support in your decisions whatever they might be...because I love you for you and want you to enjoy complete happiness in your life! Just because you like strawberries, doesn't mean you'll like strawberry pie! Bad analogy, but it's the best of I've got!

Doing a Little Soul Searching....

Something happened to a little girl in my class that sent me spiraling emotionally. Her name is Allie. She was diagnosed with cancer three months ago. Without divulging her entire medical history, they are hoping to shrink her cancerous tumors with chemo and then remove them surgically. If everything goes as planned, she should be back to normal and cancer-free by Christmas. In the hopes to support her as much as I could, I searched the net, visited her in the hospital, made phone call after phone call, scheduled the traveling oncology nurse, and organized a school-wide fundraiser to help with all her traveling expenses for treatments (all of her treatments are done over an hour away). Watching her lose her hair and trying to reassure my class and providing them with the words and knowledge to support her by trying to help them understand what was happening became almost too much at times. It’s so difficult to watch this whole process and not ask “Why?”

So I began to ask “Why?” to almost everyone I knew. I asked co-workers, friends, and family. These open conversations led me to this: maybe I didn’t know “why?” but I felt very confident at the “why it wasn’t”:

This little girl is not being punished by God for anything or her parents did or didn’t do.

This innocent little girl is not being used by God to prove a point or teach a lesson.

God loves all His children equally.

After talking to all of these people, I finally decided to make an appointment with my pastor. I feel comfortable talking to him probably for several reasons: first being, that I’ve known him for a long time….he used to do mail call at Lakeside Church Camp. His sense of humor made mail call fun and obviously memorable! 2) He’s not one of those people who you feel intimidated by (a good quality for a preacher!)…he’s outgoing and friendly and welcoming. 3) I’ve been reading his blog for several months and as a result, this has built a sense of connection for me (the best thing I can compare it to is that sense you get when you watch TV and feel like the characters are your friends even though you’ve never really hung out with them). 4) He’s a family man with heart. And finally (5), I enjoy his sermons in the sense that they are meaningful to my life, connect scripture with today’s world, and helps me apply the teachings of Christ in my own life decisions.

When I set up the appt. before church, he told me that we’d have to meet on Friday because he was off to the United Methodist Conference so he recommended some books for me read while he was gone. However, the one book I wanted was checked out and this book was on the shelf where the other should’ve been: The Ten Journeys in Life by Michael Gold. Even then, I felt God was at work and this was where God led me.

I truly believe this excerpt kind of sums up my experience in my quest in dealing with all the questions that bombarded me when I think of Allie:

“When we suffer adversity, we need the presence of other people. We need to speak to them. Talking is often the first step toward healing. Any clergy member can relate to the following experience. Someone is going through pain in their life. He or she sets up an appointment and comes by to speak. The rabbi, priest, or minister listens sympathetically, nodding affirmatively and offering little advice. When the session is over, the congregant thanks the clergy member profusely and say, “You were so helpful.” When actually he or she did nothing but listen. The very act of talking removes some of the pain.” Pg. 145

I think Bryan would describe our encounter this way because he is humble, but he did try to offer answers and explained several theologies of different religions and shared with me where the Methodist church stands on these issues so I could see where I stood on those issues as well. He also assured me that it’s OK to question God. It’s even OK to be angry with God. I’m confident that I would never turn my back on God no matter what happened to myself, my family, my children.

And it really doesn’t matter if I think God blesses people (I don’t think I’ll ever quite get that concept-I mean, there are times when I feel truly blessed, but then it seems like there should an opposite of that, so that’s where all the confusion comes in), but what Bryan taught me is that the most important thing is to ask if I’m a blessing to others. I thank Bryan for that.

I also discovered that I wasn’t looking for answers, what I was really looking for was peace. There are times when I have to just accept that I am human and that I can’t possibly understand everything. I have to just let it go….and turn to Ecclesiastes 3:1-4.

To every thing there is a season, and a time for every purpose under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time for planting and a time for uprooting.
A time for slaying and a time for healing.
A time for tearing down and a time for building up.
A time for weeping and a time for laughing.
A time for wailing and a time for dancing

So with Allie, I need ask God the prayer of my life…
Lord, give me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot change and the wisdom to know the difference.

Action is a healer, but when we have done all we can do and there is no more action we can take, we find serenity with the realization that healing is not instantaneous; it takes time.

I’ve tried to do what I can for Allie and her family. Being there. But Allie’s helped me more than I’ve helped her.

“Where is God? Where we let God in.”
Kotzher Rebbe
Sometimes it is so easy to see God. Some of these seem cliché, but how can you hold a newborn baby and not feel a miracle?


I see Him in the waves of the ocean.

I hear Him in the laughter of children.

I see Him in the hearts of family and friends.

I hear Him in our church rock band.

I feel Him when I hug and kiss my children good night.


I see Him in Allie: her resilience, her faith in healing, her calmness, her acceptance, her confidence, her spirit, her strength. I’ve seen her comfort other students who are saddened by her health. She amazes me. I see God in her because I’ve let Him in and therefore He can show himself.

Gold also shares in his book the work of Reinhold Niebuhr:

Nothing worth doing is completed in our lifetime,
Therefore we must be saved by hope.

Nothing true or beautiful or good makes complete sense in any immediate context of history, therefore we must be saved by faith.

Nothing we do, however virtuous, can be accomplished alone; therefore we are saved by love.

Moving on to my next book review (I have to turn these back in to the library by Thursday!) is Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom. Bryan suggested I read the five people you meet in heaven, but I like to read everything in order, (however in this case, it didn’t make a difference)…

Power quotes from the large print edition (pg. 75) that allude to this topic.

Grieving has been good for me…I hope you can find the healing power in grieving.

At one point, the author asks Morrie about God testing the faith of Job. This whole Job thing came up frequently in my quests…so I thought Morrie’s reply was illuminating.

“I think,” he says, smiling, “God overdid it.”

In The Five People You Meet in Heaven by Mitch Albom, he writes:

“Life has to end,” she said, “Love doesn’t.” pg. 173
Yes, at its core, we all believe that statement at one level or another…but what happens when life ends too soon? On the last page of the book, it talks about how a line will form…people waiting for us “to grow and to love and to age and to die, and to finally have their questions answered – why we lived and what we lived for.” Some of us are fortunate to figure out those questions before death, and maybe I’ll be one of them, but for right now… I think all of my questions will be answered when that day comes.

Finally, I want to thank Charlotte for her sermon on heaven last Sunday…It’s funny how my church can reach into the crevices of the heaviness in my heart and speak directly to the pain. I hope that after you read this, you find the song “I Can Only Imagine” on my playlist (right on the blog) and listen to it with an open mind and heart the possibilities. The praise band performed this Sunday and it was amazing!

PS I pray that this blog doesn't come across preachy or pious, this is just kind of my dissertation on my own personal journey in life...I wrote in hopes of organizing my own thoughts and to share what I've learned so far...mostly about myself.

First Dance...Video of the Day

Zoe and I watched this several times! Can't you just see Mr. Heather doing this? LOL Helpful hint: go to my playlist and hit pause so you don't have to listen to two things at once!

Flintstone Vitamins

We finished up the last bottle of Flintstone vitamins last night, (which I freely admit that give to my kids for purely nostalgic reasons) so tonight after tubbies and jammies, NO vitamins! The girls love their routine and began their protests, and in an effort to make bedtime peaceful, I took a TUMS, ripped it in half and gave them each a piece. (It was orange flavored.) Desperate times call for desperate measures! I hope our pediatrician isn't reading this!

More of PEI - Pics from our 2004 Trip

Walking on the Beach

Zoe's 1st Taste of Lobster!

Grandma & Grandpa come to visit us!

We always celebrate Canada Day with the Canadians! July 1st!

We are here!

If you ever see a sign like this, STOP! Great place to eat...best hamburgers in CA!
Zoe wore her duck bib in honor of her first Lucky Duck, "The Little Duck" hamburger!

We have this picture framed!

Legendary Storyteller and Musician, Mike Pendergast!

Jack and Bonnie come up to visit us!

Start her young!

At Green Gables

Mommy loves the lupines! They can be spotted all over the island as you drive. Very scenic!

PEI is a happy place!

Anne's 100th Anniversary!

This is the house that Anne built.....actually the author's relatives lived her and she enjoyed visiting them so much that she based Anne's home with the Cuthberts here.

Selected excerpts from Budge Wilson's The Prequel to Anne of Green Gables, Before Green Gables:

“So today,” he continued, smiling now in an oddly special way, “I’m going to start telling you about the smallest province in Canada. It’s even smaller than Nova Scotia. And it’s an island. The sea is all around it.” Pg. 283

“Paths are red; roads are red. The red roads and green fields are like a beautiful patchwork quilt.” He sighed, fold his arms across his chest, and looked at the ceiling.
“And the sea,” said Harold. “Are there beaches? Or just rocks?”
“Oh!” exclaimed Mr. McDougall, sighing again. “The beaches! The beaches! Oh yes! And the high sand dunes with their long waving grasses. Flowing in the wind like a mermaid’s hair! Oh, such a place!” pg. 284

“Every summer I go back to the island and stay with my uncle for a while- walking along the beaches, watching the moon make its path across the sea, marveling at the high waves in the storms, listening to the sound of the breakers at night.” Then he stopped abruptly, as though he’d been dreaming and had just woken up. Pg. 285

….Aloud (Anne) said, “Someday I will go there. It may take a long time to happen. Maybe not till I’m an old lady-But I will go.”

Thus was born Anne’s love affair with Prince Edward Island. Pg. 286

The sea and red beaches and red rocks

Chippy, who followed us from OH
Below, Baby Elephant Rock

If you've never read Lucy Maud Montgomery's Anne of Green Gables books (there are 8 in all) or watched any of the movies with Megan Follows or have never visited Prince Edward Island, Canada, then let me just say that you are missing out in life! Robert and I celebrated our honeymoon there and the great thing about it was that we both were drawn in by the island. It offers different things to each of us. For him, Tim Horton's and golf. For me, Anne of Green Gables. For us, beaches and lobster dinners! 5 years later we went back with our parents. Both sets. Call us crazy, but it worked and we all had a great time. We've gone back every summer since, with the exception of the last summer and this. What this means exactly is that my baby has never put her feet in the ocean and the only time she has been on PEI was in utreo. For a place this special to us both, it breaks my heart that she hasn't seen it yet. Thus, next year's plan! We're already looking forward to renting a house by the beach. I can't wait to take the girls to the Village of Avonlea (where they re-enact the entire first book throughout the course of the day and Mr. Heather leaves repeatedly to make a coffee run to Tim Horton's right down the street.) I recently downloaded all of my digital pics to our external HD and it made me so island-sick! If you've never been, I know it's hard to understand, but for those of you who have felt the call of the island, the wind, and the sea....you know all too well. It's truly heaven on earth! I hope you get the chance to fall in love with it too!

Robert picked out his birthday cake-a pile of TimBits!

Canada Day Sand Contest

Lotsa Lobster!

(Anne of Green Gables was first published in 1908. She is a fictitious character, which irritated Mr. Heather when we visited "Anne's House", etc. The book mentioned above just released in time for the anniversary-thanks to Jennie for enlightening me about it or I wouldn't have known about it so soon!)

FYI-All of these pics are from our 2005 Trip!

Molly Ringwald

OK....so Molly Ringwald (favorite 80's actress, LOVE "Sixteen Candles" and this (above) has to be one of my favorite scenes (along with "Who, me?")- yes, I've watched it a million times and own it on VHS! Molly (BTW, we're on a first-name basis!) is now in a new TV series called "The Secret Life of an American Teenager" on ABC. She's NOT the teenager; in this teen drama, she's the MOM! So how do I feel about my old friend portraying a mom? Hmmmmmm...not so good.

Don't get me wrong:
1) I love being a mom.
2) I admire Molly Ringwald.
3) I'm happy for Molly that she's continuing her career.

So why am I unhappy?
Maybe because it just goes to show that I'm getting older....that's all.

I'll get over it. In the meantime, maybe I'll actually watch the show.