On Having Children

From Tuesdays with Morrie by Mitch Albom

“Whenever people ask me about having children or not having children, I never tell them what to do,” Morrie said now, looking at a photo of his oldest son. “I simply say, ‘There is no experience like having children.’ That’s all. There is no substitute for it…If you want the experience of having complete responsibility for another human being, and to learn how to love and bond in the deepest way, then you should have children.”

So you would do it again? I asked.

I glanced at the photo, Rob was kissing Morrie on the forehead, and Morrie was laughing with his eyes closed.

“Would I do it again?” he said to me, looking surprised. “Mitch, I would not have missed that experience for anything. Even though….”

He swallowed hard and put the picture in his lap.

“Even though there is a painful price to pay,” he said. “Because you’ll be leaving them.”

“Because I’ll be leaving them soon.”

He pulled his lips together, closed his eyes, and I watched the first teardrop fall down the side of his cheek.

The child debate….why people choose to have children. I remember a girlfriend in high school who believed having children was selfish. To her, people had children because they wanted someone they could control, someone that would love them back, someone who would take care of them when they got older. When I mentioned this to a colleague she told me that having children is the most unselfish act you could do. It required you to take total responsibility to nurture, develop, guide, and love. Now that I have children, you want to know what I think about all that? I think it depends on what kind of parent you want to become.

People have different ideals or levels of parenthood. Of course, ideals don’t always match reality, but there is always something that we strive for…a higher level of parenting that we try to attain. On those rare moments when we reach our goal or see fruitation of our success in our children’s behavior then we sit back and give ourselves a pat on the back and say to ourselves, “I am a good mom!” or “I am a good dad!”

So even though I had wanted and waited to have children, when it came time to make the final decision to conceive, I had anxiety. I knew in the end I would conquer that anxiety, but I felt that I must question myself, question my motives, and so I asked myself the question that my two-year old asks me fifty times a day: WHY? Why do I want to become a mom? Why do I want to have children?

I’m not sure I ever truly answered that question besides the fact that we were simply ready to have a family. You can ask yourself “Why?” til the end of time! What I do know is that made a conscious choice, a decision, to have children. Once I made that choice, I was fully committed. It wasn't easy. It took longer than I thought it would take, yet our wait could be measured in months, others measure in years. I truly believe God knows our limitations and only gives us what we can handle. The day we found out we were going to be parents came as complete surprise because we had taken some time off from trying to conceive due to the enormous amount of stress and frustration of the previous failures.

This doesn’t mean I condone people who choose not to have children. There are statistics that weigh in the happiness of people who have children and those who do not. There are facts and figures for the amount of money an average American will spend to have and raise children over the course of that child’s life from birth to college and beyond.

As a teacher who has seen plenty of children who’ve been neglected and abused of people who weren’t ready to fully commit to being parents. I’m not going to play God and say that shouldn’t have children, but innocent children deserve to grow up in a loving home.

“You didn’t get it. Sacrifice is apart of life. It’s supposed to be. It’s not something to regret.. It’s something to aspire to. Little sacrifices. Big sacrifices. Pg. 93

Sometimes when you sacrifice something precious, you’re not really losing it. You’re just passing it on to someone else.” From 5 people you meet in heaven Pg. 94

But you see, if you choose to have children (by birth, adoption, surrogacy, etc.), it’s not really a sacrifice. And those oopsy babies…those parents still have 9 months to make that commitment so I’m not saying that the only good parents are the ones who plan to be parents. It’s when you make that choice in your heart.
People don’t have to have kids to have a fulfilling, meaningful, productive life. Personally, I can say I truly don’t understand this because it’s just not me, but I can say that I completely accept it. Some people like strawberry pie and some people don't. You're not a bad person because you don't like strawberry pie! But people who love strawberry pie can't help but feel that those people who choose not to eat it, are missing out on something!

From For One More Day by Mitch Albom:

On pages 72 & 73…

Paraphrased: She tells her son how she prayed for a child. “So,” she said, moving away, “now you know how badly someone wanted you, Charley. Children forget that sometimes. They think of themselves as a burden instead of a wish granted.”

My children are each a “wish granted.” I just want them to know that.

To all my friends and family who are dealing with this issue on a daily basis whether it be infertility, adoption, the choice of having children, the choice of not having children, the unexpected surprises, etc., I hope you know you have my continued support in your decisions whatever they might be...because I love you for you and want you to enjoy complete happiness in your life! Just because you like strawberries, doesn't mean you'll like strawberry pie! Bad analogy, but it's the best of I've got!